Thursday Thirteen (Vol. 32)

If there is a National Bitching Week, I think this is it. It's the last week of school. The students, the teachers and from my perspective, the volunteers, can't wait for summer. Could this be contributing to my general bitchiness? Or is it just the accumulation of almost 16 years of being a wife and almost 14 years of being a mom?

13 THINGS MY FAMILY DOES/DOESN'T DO THAT MAKE ME CRAZY (AND I'M NOT EVEN INCLUDING BATHROOM-RELATED THINGS BECAUSE THIS ISN'T THE THURSDAY THIRTY-THREE!)

1. My kids walk into the kitchen, stand in the middle and say, "Where is the insert basic food staple here?" Come on...you've lived here as long as I have. And you are capable of opening and closing cupboards, pantry and refrigerator until you find something. Be resourceful!!!

2. My husband sits two feet away from me reading the newspaper or browsing on his computer and says "Hmmmm" or chuckles. If I say "What?" he ignores me so I've kind of given up saying anything. But why would one verbalize interest or amusement if not to share it with the person who is hearing that verbalization?

3. Some family member, no one admits to it, takes the band-aids out of the drawer, apparently applies the band-aid somewhere and leaves the empty band-aid wrapper and the box of band-aids on the counter. Apparently this family member believes that it is someone else's responsibility to throw out the band-aid wrapper and put the box of band-aids away. I think that they think that person is me!

4. My daughter likes to do her make-up and toiletry shopping in my bathroom. So I go to put on mascara and it's not there, go to use girlie shaving cream on my legs and end up having to use the manly stuff and reach for my hair "product" (hair is all about the "product") to find it inexplicably missing.

5. My husband starts talking to me from the bedroom when I'm in the kitchen fixing dinner or doing some other noise-producing task. He expects...and I suspect I have trained him to expect...me to leave what I am doing and come to the bedroom to hear what he has to say. If I have something to say, I not only have to go into the room he is in, but I also have to wait until he can extricate his attention from the computer, TV or newspaper.

6. Every family member complains to me when we are out of something. I am about 99% reliable when it comes to buying the stuff on my shopping list. The shopping list is almost always in the same location in the kitchen. I do not generally drink coke, drink juice boxes, eat waffles, eat ice cream or fix taquitos for a snack. I know enough to buy milk every time I go to the store, but if they need anything else, all they need to do is put it on the list. The disdain with which they indicate that we are out of something is palpable.

7. My children have not learned the value of "Yes ma'am" or "Sure, I'll get right on it" or even, "OK...can I wait until the next commercial?" when I ask them to do something. All they have to do is provide some indication of assent BEFORE complaining that "It's not fair!", "You never make insert sibling name here do anything!" or "What am I? Your slave?"

8. My husband constantly says, "I need you to insert tedious task here." I keep telling him that his "need" does not translate into my desire to do something. "Would you please?", "Honey, would you mind?" or "Do you have time to?" All of those introductions focus on ME (and it's all about me if he wants me to do something) and make it far more likely that I will a) do what he wants and b) actually do it with pleasure.

9. My kids are always saying, "Mom, come here...you have to see this thing on YouTube!" I hate YouTube. Whatever it is is at least 30 seconds long...and in that 30 seconds I could have picked up the band-aid wrapper that was left on the counter!

10. When I call them or ask them to do something, my kids sometimes reply, "Hold on!" No. "Hold on" is for the phone...and even then it should be preceded or followed by "please". "Yes Mom, I'll be right there!" or "Yes Mom, I'll do it in just a second!" would be so much more palatable.

11. When my husband is on the phone, we all hold our breath to ensure complete silence so as not to interfere with his call. When I am on the phone, it attracts my kids AND husband like a package of Carvel Flying Saucers. Family members who have not interacted with me other than the occasional grunt for days suddenly find themselves compelled to regale me with LONG stories about their day!

12. I don't work, so presumably from 8 a.m. until 2:30 p.m. I am available to run errands, go shopping, etc. However, the children find it necessary to wait until we are finishing dinner at about 8:30 to tell me they absolutely need a book, a spiral notebook, a glue stick, cupcakes for the entire class or 4 pieces of plexiglass cut to specific dimensions....and they need it TOMORROW!!!!

13. My kids will walk past their father who is vegging on the couch watching TV to interrupt me while I am on the phone, cleaning up the kitchen and folding laundry all at the same time to ask permission for something. ASK DADDY SOMETIMES...MAKE HIM FEEL NEEDED!!!

If this were a "real job", I would ask for a detailed job description, more money, a more impressive title and shorter hours....not to mention a cadre of assistants to do my bidding...kind of like I do my family's bidding!!! If you are reading this, family, I love you!

Di